Let’s be honest with one another, Deflate-Gate is a joke, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. The NFL couldn’t really get the Patriots for the more serious “Spy-gate” back in ’08, so Deflate-Gate has turned into the NFL’s “We got you” back at the Patriots, literally putting in Spy-Gate as a reason for such harsh sanctions.
For now on, Commissioner Goodell has to lay the wood on every wrong doing by his employees (includes organizations and players) from here on out. He has lost all credibly, and he is never going to get it back after Ray Rice. It’s a complete debacle that he slaps Tom Brady, one of the posterboys of the league for the past 15 years, for 4 games for “more probable than not” when it comes to whether he did or didn’t deflate the those balls. I said it in my Super Bowl preview and I’ll say it again, it didn’t matter in the AFC Championship Game.
But, Brady and his Hall of Fame cast of lawyers/legal team are going to war with the NFL over this, and feel confident they are going to win, as they should. Poor Ted Wells, dude has a great mustache, a well-respected investigating career, yet America will forever dislike him for doing his job, although “More probable than not” is a pretty interesting choice of words.
I am done with Deflate-Gate, I was done when the Indianapolis Colts, literally a few days removed from getting smacked by the Pats (who mainly did their damage on the ground that game) said they couldn’t care less. So let’s move on and say that for whatever reason, Brady can’t reduce or remove the 4-game suspension (which he most definitely will) and the Patriots are left to rely on a kid from Eastern Illinois named Jimmy Garoppolo.
Although he has the odd-backing of everyone in the state boundaries of Illinois, some people might not be sold on him, and for that reason, it is time to go through the list of free-agents who would best fit the Patriots for Brady’s ridiculous suspension.
Side note: these guys aren’t free agents, they are actors in movies.
12. Uncle Rico, Napoleon Dynamite
Uncle Rico and Belicheck have to be friends, they just have to be. Back in ’82, Belichick was there when Rico was “able to throw a pigskin a quarter-mile.” Then, someone sent in the game film and Belichick was intrigued. I mean for god sakes, if he was able to hit a guy straight in the face with a steak, he could definitely hit Gronk across the middle for 15 yards for 4 games, couldn’t he?
Why He Fits: A true veteran, his game is almost mythical. He’s a complete nobody that Belichick could him turn into an all-time great. No one would have any film on Uncle Rico, Belichick loves that advantage already.
11. Flash Gordon, Flash Gordon
Ok Ok, I understand why you Patriots fans don’t want anything to do with quarterbacks from the Jets, frankly, it’s completely warranted, but here me out on why he fits.
Why He Fits: If Belichick could swipe Revis away for a season and win a Super Bowl with the Patriots, than anyone can. 99.9% of Pats fans think Brady is a superhero (understandably so) Flash Gordon actually is. His confidence and toughness are unmatched, the film speaks for itself. Not to mention that Robert Kraft will do just about anything to please his upper-echelon Patriots fans, specifically Mark Wahlberg, who happens to be a huge fan of Flash.
10. Johnny Moxon, Varsity Blues
I’ll leave it up for you to decide who the star of Varsity Blues truly was, but leave no doubt, Johnny Moxon gets it.
Why He Fits: How doesn’t he fit? Mox completely understands the pressure of the situation. Any soul from Texas will argue that being a starting QB at Texas High School is the most pressure packed situation in all of sports, amateur or professional. Mox gets the lady, so does Tom. Mox gets hurt, and a just as good-looking backup in a young Paul Walker steps in and fills the void (Matt Cassel in ’08). Mox has to deal with a legendary coach (Jon Voight) so does Tom with Belichick. And the best of all, Mox has to deal with a Gronk-like-figure (In Julian Edelman’s body) in Tweeter (played tremendously by Scott Caan) so why #10 you ask? Mox is severely overrated.
9. Johnny Walker, Johnny Be Good
Another heavily recruited QB out of the state of Texas, Johnny Walker (played by Goat’s favorite 80’s actor of all-time, Michael Anthony Hall) is a do everything quarterback, who is good-looking, talented, and is as cool the other side of the pillow, to quote the late great Stuart Scott. He is as Johnny Manziel as they come by, but don’t be fooled.
Why He Fits: For one, he has brass balls for practically not caring that he is in love with the sheriff’s daughter. Seemingly unfazed by all the pressure, recruiting around him. The true knock on him is we can’t trust his commitment to the game, thankfully, Belichick only needs him for 4 games or less.
8. Cap Rooney, Any Given Sunday
Cap Rooney could walk right into the Patriots locker room and make everyone in the room forget about Tom Brady’s existence. A likable veteran (once superstar like his counterpart in the film) that is well-respected throughout the locker room is exactly what the Patriots need. He takes a great team and completely reenergizes it after a star player is out.
Why He Fits: Belichick loves guys like Cap Rooney. He may be old and a little washed up, but for 4 games, Cap Rooney would handily beat the Steelers, Buffalo, Jacksonville and Dallas with the loaded roster New England has. I’d take it even farther and say that the south-paw could give you a dynamite week in fantasy too.
7. Johnny Utah, Point Break
Although Brady wouldn’t be too fond of Utah coming out of THE Ohio State University, give the man some credit, he at least took them to the Rose Bowl before his injury. Utah has the intangibles, sure he probably is pretty darn good QB, but he runs over like eight guys and hawks Patrick Swayze in his prime in a pickup game on the beach no less.
Why He Fits:
He jumps out of a plane, with a gun and no freakin’ parachute. Boston marvels at his courage and nuttiness, takes him in like a son.
6. Willie Beamen, Any Given Sunday
From a pure talent perspective, Beamen might be the best on this list. He can scramble, he’s athletic and he can make all the throws. But he is a complete hassle to deal with, like many superstars, his ego is the size of Jupiter. You’re going to have to deal with the cockiness, you need deal with his ultra-competitive drive that makes teammates turn against him, it goes on. But give Willie Beamen credit.
Why He Fits: He fights for that inch.
5. Reno Hightower, The Best of Times
Kurt Russell’s hair in this movie could convince you he is a Hall of Fame QB. Actually, when Brady used to grow out his hair he and Russell (when both wearing #12) look so much alike it’s uncanny. I don’t even know who should be more honored in this situation.
Why He Fits: Russell takes no-namers and past failures (aka Robin Williams as a wide receiver) and makes them better. Basically Brady’s career in a nut-shell. Now that I think about it, Reno should be ranked in the Top-3 at least.
4. Paul Crewe (Burt Reynolds) The Longest Yard
He leads a team full of criminals, mostly non-athletic guys against a legendary Green Bay Packer and a team full of well-trained football players with proper equipment. Every odd is stacked against Paul Crewe and he couldn’t care less.
Why He Fits: Roll the tape:
3. Matt Saracen, Friday Night Lights
Our only TV show exception, somewhere High school and College girls just can’t even about Matt Saracen. Maybe being #1 in girls hearts makes him a true fit to fill the opening with Tom out. But Saracen provides so much more. First off, if we’re going to make an NFL comparison, it’s probably Jimmy Garoppolo, ironically enough. Looks out of place, is short but has a gun, a true fan favorite.
Why He Fits: You heard it here first, Garoppolo and Gronkowski are the perfect real life comparison to Saracen and Tim Riggins. Gronk was definitely Riggins in high school and you can’t convince me otherwise. Garoppolo and Saracen, forever beating the odds as backups. Clear eyes, full hearts, can’t lose.
2. Shane Falco, The Replacements
So close Shane, I was rooting for you, I really was. My good friend Ted Clauss will go to war with this guy at QB, and so would everybody else. You could argue that Eddie Martel is Tom Brady’s super alter-ego. All-Pro with Super Bowl rings, but Martel is arrogant, hated and to simply put it:
Why He Fits:
So why is Falco ranked so high? When desperate times call for desperate measures (In the movie, the Washington Sentinels are looking for viable replacement players, the Patriots are in a QB crisis) you call Shane Falco, it is what you do. He is versatile in just about every way. He connects with guys, no matter the skill set, race or size. He has heart. He makes incredible speeches without even worrying about the play clock, Falco has no time for that:
Even when all hope seems lost, Falco comes back. He delivers epic one-liners like, “Glory lasts forever.” He lives in the moment, confidence oozes out of him, so much so he has his lineman saying, “WE AIN’T LOSING THIS GAME.”
“Gentlemen. It has been an honor to share the field of battle with you.” The ultimate teammate, ultimate warrior, ultimate clutch-player. Only Falco. 9 times out of 10, you take him first, but not this time. Save him for the Super Bowl.
1. Ronnie “Sunshine” Bass, Remember the Titans
Straight out of left field comes the kid from California. The only dude who might have Tom Brady’s number when it comes to looks. Before you call this outrageous, let me remind you the greatness of Sunshine. Here is the tale of the tape:
So we learn right away three things. One, he was raised to not see race, unlike everyone else on his team, which is all they see. Two, “He is a pretty good runner.” His father says, as he hits Bertier from 60 yards out with his smooth lefty motion. So he has the package. Three, he cuts that sacred hair to be on the team, he sacrificed for the team without knowing anyone.
“He even got a lil’ soul power.” He already is easing racial tensions on this team with his mere presence. The “Ain’t no mountain high enough” scene is the turning point and Bass is the focal, highly underrated.
He comes straight off the bench, sticks up for his teammate and turns this Titans team into its full State-Championship gear that they didn’t really have before he came in. He is the star player the rest of the year but still gives all the credit to Rev. Pats are already a Championship team, Bass knows what it takes.
“Fake 23 Blast with a backside George reverse like your life depended on it.” Sunshine makes this play, he lowers his shoulder and legit flips two guys over as he escorts Rev to the end zone for the State Championship.
Why He Fits: Everything above. Need a guy for 4 games? Sunshine is going to lay it on the line, win the game and be a true teammate. He will win over New England fans hearts, just in time for Brady to take the Pats to Super Bowl again. Ronnie Bass is the man.
This is what I do during my study breaks for finals.
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